Am I still pretending?
by iheartbooks2509
Summary: Paul makes Suze an offer she can't refuse, but how far will it go? Abandoned.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 Happy.  
I thought becoming 16 would give me more independence. I could go out for all hours and not get grounded and so on. Apparently not. So, as you've probably guessed by now, I'm in my room under house arrest for about a month.  
What I did wasn't even that bad. Especially if you compare it to what Dopey did. But I'm planning to keep that to myself to use as leverage later. I went to one of those parties done by 'the popular group' with Cee and Adam. As soon as we walked through the door they disappeared off to 'spend time alone'. And I could hardly bring my ghostly boyfriend along. Being able to see and touch ghosts has it's benefits- Jesse, for one, is not hard to look at. But there are many disadvantages, like going to parties and a certain someone trashing them and leaving me with the blame. It wasn't Jesse, if that's what you were thinking. It was one of those girls who used to have the world revolve around them and now that it's been a while after their death, nobody cares. And as I was the only person who could see her, guess who she took it out on. All anyone else could see was me throwing random chairs and stuff. They could probably see some other random stuff, but no one could explain that.  
As for Dopey, he and his latest were going hard at it all over the place. Anywhere they thought no one would see them. But I did. Not in a gross way though. But I know how to explain the poison oak rash on his bottom and other places...  
Being grounded isn't all bad when you have a ghostly boyfriend to hang out with. Speaking of Jesse, he should be in my room right now, waiting for me.  
I practically ran up the stairs to my room. I hadn't seen him all day because he's trying to stop hanging out with me so much. He doesn't want to commit too much into this relationship so that if he moves on, it won't be as bad and because his isn't supposed to be an exclusive relationship. I could date whoever I want and bring them here. The only person I want is him but he's going to take that no sex rule to his grave. I mean to beyond or wherever.  
I opened my bedroom door to see this ghost that just got me grounded - Callie I think her name was- kissing my boyfriend and trying to take his pants off. Jesse, being a gentleman and all was struggling to get her away. That and he was err...sexually aroused. "Susannah!" he screeched. Before he could say another word, I walked up to this bitch and took her to the shadowland. "You. Door. Now." I said to her. She walked through one immediately.  
When I came back down, Jesse was no where to be seen. "Jesse?" I called out half quietly, remembering that Dopey cold hear.  
"I'm in the bathroom," he replied, though his voice was breathy. I opened the bathroom door and Jesse was sitting on the edge of the bathtub...making the most of his...sexual arousement. He quickly tried to zip up his pants, which caused him pain, because of the erection. After failing, he turned to me, leaving his bits out, and said as calmly as he could, "don't you knock?"  
I was trying hard to keep my eyes off his endowment, no pun intended. So I said, "the door has a lock and you know it." I tried to make eye contact, but my eyes kept flicking back down. "Can't you look me in the eye?" he said with a smile that would have made a wet dream. "I can, just not for long. No pun intended."  
I walked up to him and sat next to him on the edge of the tub. I was about to...finish what he started when his hand held my wrist, stopping me. "We can't, Susannah. You know that."  
"We weren't going to. Just this one time, Jesse." I brushed my fingertips across his head and the grip loosened. I used my other hand to stroke along the shaft and then up to the head. The grip loosened even more and he closed his eyes. I kept doing it until he begged me to stop. My wrist was in his iron grip once more. "Susannah, I don't want you to see this next bit."  
"Why not?" I asked.  
"It's not very...gentlemanly."  
"Nothing was very gentlemanly." and with both my hands in his grip, I had no choice but to take him into my mouth for one last stroke. He came into my mouth not long after. I kissed him sweaty face. He released my hands. "I love you, Susannah and I feel guilty. I have put your virtue in jeopardy with my own selfish actions..." I stopped him there. "If my virtue was in jeopardy, I'd know and probably be a little happier."  
"Susannah-"  
"Don't you think this is a bit unfair?!"  
"So you want me to return the favour?!"  
"Jesse, it's not like that and you know it."  
But Jesse had stopped listening. He got onto his knees and tore off my panties. I was wearing a skirt that day. He parted my legs and put his head between them. This was in anger, so it was kind of painful. Then he flicked his tongue across me and I arched my back. He took me into his mouth and began sucking. He wasn't being careful, in his anger, so I got some teeth. Not that I noticed it that much. I came relatively quickly, due to the months of nothing. He licked up some of my juices and kept licking. It was on the boundary of pleasure and pain. So I cried out his name: "JESSE!" He looked at me with a look that was pure possession. If he wanted to, he wanted could take me as his own. Instead, I got up and cleaned myself up. He went back to being his innocent self. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Awkward Jesse eventually left, unable to stand the silence after what we'd done earlier. He couldn't even look me in the eye. I know he's blaming himself and there's nothing for him to take the blame for. But he's not going to let it go. I suppose back in his day it was romantic or planned and proper but now it's just sex. It doesn't mean anything. Does it?  
I read in a magazine that its supposed to be best with the man you love. I wouldn't know. I haven't had it yet...  
Weeks passed before Jesse was able to talk to me again. I hated that we didn't speak as much. Even though I saw him all the time, I missed him, missed the conversation.  
Paul on the other hand, had plenty to say. He cornered me one day after school.  
"Suze. I'm going to make you an offer and you don't have to say yes, but if you say no, we must never speak of it again."  
"Whatever."  
"Promise me you won't tell anyone."  
"Alright."  
"Especially not your boy-"  
"What is it?"  
"I can't tell you here. We have to go somewhere more private."  
"For God's sake Paul. What is it?!"  
He took my arm and led me to his car. He opened the door and told me to get in. He then walked around and got in the drivers' seat.  
"Suze. I can make your boyfriend alive again. You just have to do this thing for me."  
"Why can't I do it?"  
"Because you don't know how."  
"You could tell me."  
"I could, but then what would I get out of it?"  
"You're a douche. You know that, right?"  
"Suze. You have to dump the Hispanic and be my girlfriend."  
"Never."  
"I had a feeling you'd say that. This is why I have to do it. If he really wants you, he'll come for you, even after you've hurt him. And that is what makes the magic."  
"And you're not lying?"  
"Nope. Ask Dr. Slaski if you must."  
"Can I think about this?"  
"Sure."  
That evening I practically ran home to Jesse. If I was going to do this for him, I need to know I wouldn't be wasting my time. I can believe I'm even considering it. It's Paul!  
I got to my room and Jesse was there waiting.  
"Querida."  
"Jesse. I need to ask you something."  
"Sit down." I sat down.  
"Jesse, I-"  
"I love you and I don't want you to date anyone else. I don't care if that's selfish. I want you all to myself."  
"Okay. I love you too." I gave him.a hug and he started kissing my neck. I pushed him looked into his eyes. "If you had the chance to be alive, would you take it?"  
"Would I lose you?"  
"You'll always have me. Never forget that."  
xXx This was risky. I would only be pretending to want Paul, but Jesse isn't allowed to know that. Knowing him, he'd think that leaving me with Paul is what's best for me because he's alive and he makes me happy, bla bla bla.  
I love Jesse to pieces but sometimes, he needs to be selfish. To take what he wants without caring about anyone else. I say this hoping he wants me. This opportunity has set me thinking. If I'm really what makes Jesse happy, he'll move on. And next time, I can't bring him back.  
"Paul?" I said over the phone.  
"Yeah, Suze?"  
"Let's do it."  
xXx Paul grabbed me at school. "I kiss you, you give in and when Rico comes, defend me. There's only so many times a guy can have his nose broken," he whispered. Then he kissed me. It was weird because it wasn't Jesse, but Paul knew how to kiss a girl. I love Jesse's kisses because I love him. Paul's kisses were good all by themselves. I didn't even notice his tongue slide between my lips, into my mouth. It was all very smooth. His arms were wrapped around my waist. He managed to keep his hands off my butt, points to him. My arms were wrapped around his neck, hands searching his hair. I had no idea what they were looking for.  
Then I remembered our goal. I called Jesse with my mind. I wasn't quite sure how that worked. He still appeared though.  
"Susannah?" Jesse said, keeping his face under control. I stopped kissing Paul and he released me. His hair was a mess and my lipstick was all over his face.  
"Oh hi Jesse." I waved weakly. I thought my feigned surprise was quite convincing.  
"Why did you call? Did you want me to see this? Are you breaking up with me?"  
"Breaking up?" Paul asked, "I thought you guys finished ages ago."  
"We went exclusive yesterday," Jesse replied.  
"You know what they say: If she really wanted you, she wouldn't have come to me."  
Jesse went to punch him. Even though I knew the plan, that last one was pretty harsh, but I had to defend him. I rested a hand on Jesse's arm. "No. Don't. It's not worth fighting a lost battle," I said, gently.  
Jesse dematerialized.  
xXx A/N: what do you think? Plot too weak? Review. You know how much I love it. And to the conception readers: ooh, the suspense. Review that too. 


	3. Chapter 3 Paul

Chapter 3 Paul The look on Jesse's face when I said that made me want to take it back. To say that I didn't mean it, that I loved him and I didn't want to leave him. But then I'd never let him go. I needed to do this for him. So that he could have another chance at life. With me.  
After he walked away, Paul said, "it feels good to be on your side for once."  
I tried to respond, but I couldn't think of anything to say. What he said made me think about how he felt, being constantly rejected by me. I know it seems obvious, but bear with me - it took me a while to realise- Paul has feelings. He may appear to shrug it off and go back to being a douche, but underneath, he's hurt. Once again, I chose Jesse and not him. He's used to getting his way with girls and I think he doesn't actually know how to treat them properly.  
Paul took me back to his after school so that we could talk. We sat down on his bed, quite close considering I used to despise he guy and everything. This is the first time in ages I felt comfortable sitting on his bed. Actually, make that the first time ever.  
"So, we just wait for him to come back to me?" I asked. This seemed more straightforward than I'd initially expected.  
"Not yet. We have to make him truly believe that you're gone. You see, we don't have the sort of power to bring him back. We have enough, just not the right stuff. Someone who's up there watching over us, or something, takes Jesse's emotions, turns it into power, and gives it back."  
"If it's that simple, why isn't everyone doing it?"  
"1, who is everyone? 2, there's a huge risk. He might not come for you. And 3, there has to be a huge amount of genuine love. Not everyone has that."  
"So what do we do next?"  
"You have to break up with him. Properly."  
"There's one thing I didn't tell you. Jesse and I are emotionally linked. He knows how I feel right now and probably knows what I'm doing."  
"I guessed you would. It's not a problem. If anything, it just makes him more likely to come back."  
xXx Breaking up with Jesse turned out to be harder then I thought. You can guess the reason I had to give and it made me feel so guilty.  
"Jesse," I called. I didn't even know if he'd appear. "Jesse?" I called again, a lump in my throat.  
"Susannah. Why are you calling me?" He seemed as if he was trying to hide his emotions, but they were too strong and showed through anyway. I tried to hug him, but he was stiff (and not in the way you'd hope). "I'm sorry, Jesse." I tried to sound defiant, but it was barely a whisper.  
"You called me. You wanted me to see you kissing that...douche. Why?" He continued before I could answer. "At first I thought you were breaking up with me, but then I remembered what you said just yesterday. So maybe you wanted to make me jealous. I didn't know why you'd do that. Or it could be that-"  
"Jesse. I do not need to hear your musings. I did it because I wanted to. I wanted him. I wanted Paul."  
"You said I would always have you," he replied weakly.  
"I meant you could always have me. Didn't you get the hint?!"  
"I could always have you?" His eyes became dark with possession, just like that day in the bathroom. It was a sexy look on Jesse but he was too late. Now was not the time for sexy. We needed anger and sadness and angst.  
I looked at him and before we knew it, he was on top of me, kissing me. I was sitting on my bed, then I was lying all of a sudden. His kissing was hungry on my neck. The top I was wearing disappeared along with my bra. His hands were exploring my breasts and I moaned in pleasure. It was with great reluctance that I asked him to stop, but I was too late - he was gently sucking at my breast, tickling the nipple with his tongue. I moaned again. He unbuckled his belt and pulled down his pants, which confirmed that he wasn't wearing undies (A/N: read the story about Jesse's VPL). I was wearing a skirt, making it easy for his too tear off my underwear. Again. His hands were on my hips when he entered me. There was a sharp pain, but I was soon distracted by his thrusts and his hand working my nipple. His mouth soon joined. Each thrust brought a new wave of pleasure and pretty soon, we were coming to an end. And between my moans, I managed to say "Stop, Jesse. I can't be with you because I need someone alive." The shock of this statement, made him thrust deeply one last time before we both came. I sorted myself out in the bathroom. When I came out, Jesse was there looking upset, fully clothed. "So that's what this is about."  
"I'm sorry."  
"I thought it was the sex. And that was easily fixed."  
"I tried to spare your feelings. I just wasn't expecting that."  
"I suppose it was my fault, I've been making you believe that all the time we were together."  
"Don't blame yourself. I guess I just finally realised."  
"I'm sorry I...distracted you."  
Then he dematerialized. I don't know if I can do this.  
A/N: I'm sorry about my sex scenes seeming rushed or whatever, I just wanted to make it seem as if it was 'a quick thing in the moment'. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 Guilt. I hate myself. I can't stand myself. I keep seeing the scene over and over again in my head and it makes me feel sick. Except Jesse isn't here to make me feel better. Paul's there, but of course I'm not really in love with him. It's only now that he's truly gone that the doubts have set on. What if he doesn't come back for me? What if he doesn't try? What if he doesn't want to try? I broke his heart at the worst possible time: just after we went exclusive. Not dated anyone but him anyway.  
Tad called, but he was never around. We were friend now. Nothing more. I still remember how jealous Jesse was when he thought we were in a relationship. That's when he decided to let me date other guys. With Paul, it's all fake. When he punches a guy for hitting on me, it's because it's what boyfriends do.  
Paul took me back to his place after school today. And no, he doesn't try anything. I don't even think he looks at me that way anymore. Lately his facial expressions have been stoic and he talks more robotically, as if this is hard for him too. I sighed deeply and Paul put his arm around me, as he usually does. He's used to my doubts and always knows exactly what to say. "If you don't want to do this, if it's too hard, we can stop," he said to me gently.  
I shook my head, crying and buried it in his shoulder as he held me. He stroked my shoulder and smelled my hair. "It'll be alright. At least I'm here for you," he said. We were just waiting for Jesse to come back, like he'd walk through the door at any moment. I'd done everything I could. "Sometimes it takes a while," Paul reassured me.  
"How long? I can't afford to wait around. What if he never comes back to love me?" i cried.  
"He will."  
"But what if he doesn't?" I took my head out of his neck so that I could look him in the eye. Paul had eyes like beautiful blue swimming pools. If you looked long enough, you'd drown and be at his mercy until he released you. That was what happened then. When he kissed me. This kiss was for real. It was for no one but me. I could almost feel a spark from that fire Jesse extinguished within. Unlike Jesse's kisses of late, Paul's kiss was passionate, not lustful. his hands firmly stayed put, but mine wanted to explore. As soon as my hand started stocking the part of his hair above his ear however, Paul pulled away.  
"That... I'm sorry," he whispered, looking down, ashamed. Either that or he was afraid if what would happen if he met my gaze again.  
"I..." I couldn't finish because my sobs the way. Instead, I buried my head in his neck. It smelled good. He'd spritzed on a bit of expensive aftershave, but even under that I could smell him. That smell of a person's skin that you could never describe in words. Their essence was like no other and you loved it. Jesse didn't have a smell, so tis was one feeling he couldn't invoke. (A/N: have you read PD 10 and Mia's MHC* with Michael ?)  
I met his eyes again. "Paul..." was the only thing I was able to say before it happened. I was kissing Paul again, but more forcefully. Even his hands wanted to explore this time. They stroked up and down my back, but I wanted them to be underneath my sweater. I guided Paul's hand down to the bottom of my sweater and moved my other down to his neck. As his hands worked their way up, carefully stroking each part of my torso, my sweater went with them until I wasn't wearing it at all. Paul too off his t-shirt . I took a moment to let my eyes wander over his chiselled abs and nicely toned pecs. Even his biceps looks appealing. Tired of waiting, he kissed my neck, moving up and down and his hands unbuttoned my jeans. With nothing to do but wrap my arms around his back, I directed his lips back to mine. He finally pulled down my jeans and I wriggled them off the rest of the way. My hands unbuckled his belt and slid down his jeans. Through his briefs, he was big but not quite ready yet. We had a moment of pause to look at each other which I used as an opportunity to take off my bra. He worked my breasts slowly- one with his hand, the other with his mouth and always did my nipples last. Because we were lying down, he could use his other hand to reach down and stroke me through my panties. My hands stayed in his hair and I groaned with every new level of pleasure. I moved my legs so that his hardness was between them and writhed. He groaned. It made me feel good to know that this felt good for him too. His mouth met mine once more and his right hand joined his left to slide my panties down my legs. He reached over me to his bedside drawer to get a condom. Feeling brave, I took it from him and slid down his boxers. He was ready now- hard and straight. I ripped open the packet and rolled the condom on, just like in sex-ed. He closed his eyes and gasped in pleasure. Then, lying down, legs wide apart, I felt him enter me. He started thrusting at a steady pace and my hips followed. He never neglected my breasts and wasn't afraid to look me in the eye. Then he came and with the deep and hard thrust that went with that I came too. It lasted a long time and I couldn't even close my legs without a jolt of pleasure. We both lay on his bed, sweaty and worn out, on a cloud of ecstasy. Neither of us wanted to move.  
Then I heard a sound that couldn't have come at a worse time. "Susannah."  
xXx A/N: was that alright? I honestly didn't intend to have a lemon in every chapter, but Paul was there and he's a really fit guy! How could anyone resist?! Especially now that he's not the douche everyone keeps making him out to be. Oh and the cliffhanger! Who could it be?! Jesse...or even Suze's father?... Review. Feel free. I'm bot going to force you...because I can't...and it would be hypocritical of me. After all how long ago was my last update! REVIEW! Love ya,  
Iheartbooks. 


	5. Apology

A/N: I'm sorry, but I don't know if I can continue this story. I feel like changing it completely. There are some things I regret making happen. I might come back to it or I might not. But I almost definitely will write a sequel for conception.


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